I am so discouraged. Being a mother is hard. Homeschooling is hard. These are things I want to do, but sometimes I just feel so ill-equpit. I'm afraid my children are going to grow up stupid because I don't have the ability or time to educate them properly. I'm afraid they're all going to grow up to be yellers because I lose my patience so easily lately. My husband comes home and asks me, "How is Ashton's writing doing?" or "What reading lesson is Landon on?". Not because he really cares what reading lesson Landon is on, but because he wants to know if I'm actually doing the reading lessons. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. It's hard to do everything. It's so hard to plan every night for the next day when I'm exhausted from no sleep. I know he has no confidence in me and i don't blame him. I've given him no reason to think that I can do this well. Yesterday I looked at Montessori schools. Not because I want my babies to leave me and each other during the day, but because I want them to have a good education and to enjoy learning. And maybe, just maybe I want some quiet and rest. Today we decided that I would have to do school during naptime. My precious Mareea is so active and gets into so much that I just can't devote the time I need to the older ones when she is awake. While this may sound like a great solution, it's just not. Naptime has always been my recharge time. I'd make sure school and chores were done before lunch and during naptime the littles rest and the olders get to have quiet freetime in their rooms or in the den. And I would sew, or plan or sleep or catch up on Facebook. Aren't I so selfish?
Then i find myself letting my mind wander to places it's not supposed to...like how I've wanted to be a nurse since before I even had any kids...how that will never happen and how I'll never do anything but be here and cook and clean and teach. I am so selfish. I obviously have some serious dying to self to do. It's so hard. This is a hard day. I wish it was a day where I loved to teach, loved to stay home all day and loved to organize and where my apron around. but it's not.
I hate feeling like a failure. I hate being a failure. I hate not being what I'm supposed to be and I hate not remembering that HE is still working on me. Oh my...there is so much work to do.
2 comments:
Thanks for the honesty...lately, especially at bedtime for us, I get tired and it's easy to feel the same way (and I only have two!)
friend. i am absolutely positive every stay-at-home momma, not to mention every momma of 6 babies, not to mention every home-schooling momma has experienced these strong emotions at least one day in their life. but let's be serious, more than one day. its hard. its such a huge responsibility. such a huge mountain to climb and it is non-stop giving of yourself to keep all the plates spinning. i am not even home schooling and i only have 2 littles and i feel overwhelmed and like a huge failure to my children many days too. i am constantly having to reexamine my priorities and the way i plan and execute. i am also having to forgive myself and sometimes let things go. there are so many important things that WE are in charge of and if WE step back and take a break, they don't happen. laundry. cooking. cleaning. GETTING DRESSED! teaching. shopping. baking. finding a way to shower in a day is sometimes too exhausting, i know. hang in there. you are not alone. and you are a great mom because you care so much to feel like a failure. you are giving everything you have which leaves nothing left for you - which is likely the cause of these feelings of exhaustion and failure. once that baby of yours gets older and finds his rhythm in your family things will start clicking again. not to say your job will not still be incredibly demanding and challenging. but it is also rewarding and someday you will be so so tired of folding laundry in a quiet house without any interruptions. and don't consider the necessary choices you make failures - clearly you have your family's best intentions in mind. if montessori school is the right thing to do right now, then go for it! your kids will likely love it and thrive, kids are awesome like that. hang in there. mom's are super heros who aren't given any magic at all to conquer the tasks they are given. :)
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