When Dan and I were first married we were pretty broke. He was a little gun shy and did not give me access to any accounts. This was fine with me since he just went ahead and paid the bills, gas and groceries and I worked part time and had my own money to spend if I needed/wanted something. When I got pregnant, I remember lots of trips to stores where I would see clothes for the baby and he would look at the price tag and say no way. My response was to be heartbroken. I didn't understand how he could not want our baby to have special things! This was the beginning of our money differences. Now, I would like to point out that I was not a crazy, senseless spender at all. I understood we could not have expensive baby equipment (all of ours was given to us) or cars, but I did like me some baby clothes! 99% of our clothes came from the resale shop I worked at and I paid for by working for store credit. We just had different ideas of how to spend money. He would rather the little extra money we had go to more expensive items at the grocery store or an out to dinner date.
Six weeks after Ashton was born we moved to Virginia and Dan went on sea duty. It became necessary for him to give me access to the accounts and by that time he had no problem doing that as we had been married for a year and had a chance to witness my frugality. Dan had our account set up so that when the paycheck came in it would automatically put money aside for kids' college, retirement and into the car payment. What was left was enough to pay bills, buy groceries and gas and keep the growing kids clothed. Not much to argue about there, but I did ask permission to buy anything over about $20.
Fast forward a pay grade advancement or two and there started to be more tension over money. From my perspective I was working my behind off to be frugal. Baking my own bread, making beans, shopping goodwill and Craigslist, never buying anything for myself etc. and then when I would ask to buy something and be told "no" I started to get very frustrated. One particular instance stands out in my mind as a turning point for me. I was eight months pregnant with Gideon and needing to go weekly to the OB for checkups. The stroller I had was nice, but very heavy. With my prolapse I would hurt myself getting it out of the trunk because I was so big by that point. At a trip to Babies R Us I asked Dan if we could by an umbrella stroller. It was $70. I hated the little ones and really wanting something nicer that would steer well and last awhile and have a shade. Dan thought it was ridiculous and suggested getting one from walmart for $10. I was furious. We had a talk later that night and I remember saying, "I work so hard to save money for this family and then when I want to buy something you always say no! Where's the money that I'm saving? Where is it going? Are you even noticing?" I called up my dear friend and mentor and we had a chat about it. She told me how her and her husband worked things out. It went something like this. "Jack gives me a certain amount to spend each pay period. I am responsible for budgeting that amount for certain expenses and am able to use the remainder for what I want." She went on to explain that with this set up she was able to give to missionaries or to others without anyone knowing. She also told me that she would not ask her husband about buying strollers because that would encourage micromanagement...as long as she could budget it of course.
After this conversation I remember sitting on the hill in front of our house next to Dan and telling him about this system. He thought for awhile and came back to me later that night with a plan. He asked, "if I give you x amount each pay period will that be enough?" I would be responsible for groceries, gas, clothes for kids and me and extracurricular activities for the kids". I felt the amount was way more than I would ever need and told him so, but he said to keep it there and we did. I quickly discovered that the money went way faster than I ever had thought it would and was very glad he had kept it where he did. However, it was enough for me to budget in occasional cute baby clothes, a double stroller and other things.
It was so freeing. Dan felt freed from having to make every little decision about money and having to feel like the bad guy for turning me down and squashing my dreams of cute baby things. He also knew now that his money was not going to be flitted away to nothing on mindless purchases. Not to mention he did not have to listen to me talk about strollers or carseats anymore. I was freed because I was able to save up and buy what I needed and could see the results of my frugal grocery store and Goodwill trips. I was also able to tithe which had been another point of contention in the past. Taking a box to mail to a friend was no longer met with, "how much is that going to cost?" and I no longer felt like I had to give a speech to justify each purchase that was not food.
We continue to do our money this way. I don't know what happens to all the other money. I'd like to be more involved, but I believe Dan feels like I'm trying to pry when I ask and so I'm trusting him to do what is best for our family with it. This is easy because he is very frugal and never buys things for himself. We actually make more money now so sometimes I will find a little "extra" in my allowance. This is nice because we have 2 more children than we did when we first started this.
That's our money story from my perspective.
