I'm a follower of Jesus, a military wife married to a hard working, involved man and a mom to 7. Our lives revolve around homeschooling, books, baseball (watching and playing), AWANA, piano,cello and gymnastics. Here are my honest thoughts on trying to make it all work and live life for the Lord the best I can.
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Thursday, April 14, 2011
Fears and the military...
I don't like to think or talk about my fears. It makes them more real and if I think too much about them, they start to take over. Lately I've been reading several blogs by military wives and it amazes me how much they blog about the military. I would never have even considered naming our blog with a military theme. Not sure why, I just don't really think of us as any different than any other family. Anyway, we're getting closer to Dan going back to sea duty. For over three years he has been on shore duty. He's been home every night and a phone call away if there's trouble. It's been quite...normal. However, this is all about to end. We have this time in VA and several months in RI, but as soon as we're out to Hawaii things will go from zero to sixty. I'm afraid. I really dislike having Dan gone all the time. "Hey baby, we're on 3 section duty for the next month"...or "what? I thought I told you we'd be out to sea this coming week?? Don't you remember?" or..."I have a Hail and Farewell tonight that isn't for kids. I'll try not to stay too late". Or my personal favorite..deployment. 4-8 months of no hubby with 4 months of "workups" i.e. work reeeeaaallly late and go out to sea tons for 4-6 months prior. How am I going to do this again? It's funny. So many people ask, "how do you do it?" The answer, "you just do". There's really not another option! I look for the positive in it all. Less laundry, it's easier to stick to a routine, we can eat PBJ 5 nights a week and I can sew after bedtime. But of course...discipline issues are all on me. A sick mama still must bath the baby, put him/her to bed and wake up in the middle of the night for a crying child. The weekends are so long. Saturday is so depressing. Normally we'd be out exploring something new, but without Daddy it's usually too hard. So we stroll through the exchange instead. Church is so hard. Controlling everyone by myself...missing my hubby and seeing all the other couples there is hard. The loneliness is the hardest. Not having Dan come home from work at the end of the day sometimes feels like a tunnel with no light at the end. But enough complaining. I am proud to be a navy wife. I love this country and this is my way of serving. I support my man in what he does for America. And honestly...how else would we have a chance to live in Hawaii? I won't even get into what a blessing my friends from all over the US have been to us. Friends I never would have met had it not been for the military. So there's my military post. Now that we're going to be a real military family again...i may have to write some more!
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what we do IS tough. having done both sides of it; am positive being the one to deploy is easier. its different and exciting and fast-paced. of course you miss your family desperately and when you allow yourself to think of home, your heart breaks. but you can shut that off and just do your job. OUR job, the military spouse job IS the same whether they are home or not (plus some extra when they are gone). our norms feel abnormal without them. everything reminds us of them. we "wish" a thousand times a day they were here to see this. our world feels upside down. our hearts feel empty. but we "do our thing", tending to the work of the day, solving the crisis of the hour, keeping our hands busy and our hearts happy. i find the biggest challenge for me is finding joy in the "right now" moments - i have to very consciously keep myself present because all too easily i find myself keeping my eyes on the horizon, waiting for real life, normal life, to start when he is home again. ...just have to "survive" a little longer and then... and as you know, that's a lot of waiting and a lot of wasted living. its easy to say and harder to do. but that's what i strive for: an awareness of my right now, focusing on the life surrounding me, the life in our home i am responsible for directing and influencing and cultivating - incorporating and involving him as much as possible in our life, the life he is missing out on in service to our country. finding ways to bless him where he is and send our love to him. but no matter how much consciousness i practice in my days, when bedtime comes, that emptiness seems to seep in. its hard, dear friend. and its something that only other military spouses can truly understand. you're right, we do it because we have to. we keep our homes happy and our children healthy and our hands busy. but man, it is hard. so thankful for my military spouse friends who lift me up and hold my hand and help me through. what an amazing gift. blessings, it will be an adventure for your family and i hope it will be a time in your life you can look back fondly on and find empowerment in the fact that you did it. it takes a strong woman, a brave momma to take it on every day with the insight and creativity (and good lord, the business!) you do it with. you are giving your family and your husband such a gift in all the work you do. 'tis true, sea duty stinks. am hoping that you will see a shift since the last time: navy has cut funding for fuel so the underways are not as frequent, not as long (often the ships come in every weekend due to lack of funding).
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